the mystery of my bad attitude

THE CLUES (found while using a magnifying glass and blue roadster convertible/sweater set or narcotics/deerstalker cap, depending on your position on the Nancy Drew/ Sherlock Holmes detecting spectrum):

1. empty mailbox

2. 5 day sinus headache

3. worry that I expect too much or not enough

4. messy desk

5. list of things that are not urgent, but are starting to press

6. the absence of all creative thought

THE ANALYSIS (conducted in a clubhouse or bathrobe or at 80 mph):

1. waiting gives me more time for worrying, which leads to the Bad Attitude because I am trying to be above all that worrying bullshit. ( Is there no book called Being Above All That Worrying Bullshit For Dummies? Because I would read it!)

2. allergies and the freaking barometer mean this is not the time to be offhand or forgetful about claritin.

3. I don't know. Maybe the thing to do is to think about what I really want. Work harder. Think bigger. Stop tripping over little things that don't really matter.

4. I believe I have tipped over the, uh, tipping point in how messy is okay with me.

5. maybe I should write down this list instead letting it take on freakish proportions in my brain.

6. Wah!

THE CONCLUSIONS (arrived at while listening to that bore Ned Nickerson drone on and on or in a dining room with assembled suspects, or perhaps while gardening or gossiping with the vicar):

1. there is nothing I can do but wait (goddammit).

2. take the pill! Keep track of when I can take it again and take it again!

3. Think Goethe Thoughts, like this one: Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.

4. I need to make a cleaning list and do things that are on it! But I think I should maybe start backwards from my normal routine if I hope to get any further than my usual stall-out point.

5. Make another list. I'm usually not very paper-list oriented, but special times call for special measures.

6. oh, get over it already!