Tonight, after hearing Michael Chabon at Powells (more on that soon - it was lovely, as usual), I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some diet coke. (I know, I know.) As I was going in, I saw a lady pushing a wire basket heading to the front vestibule. She stopped in an awkward to get around spot and tried to get the attention of people going in and out. She buttonholed someone else and I, feeling like I'd just skated away from something unpleasant, walked right on by. She was still there on the way out, talking to yet another someone else -- I had my keys in one hand and a case of diet coke in the other. It was pretty clear at this point she was asking for money, but I was all set for the dash to my car. I got 3/4 of the way there when I heard "excuse me. EXCUSE ME" louder and louder and knew she was talking to me. I turned around, thinking for one fraction of one second that maybe I'd dropped something, or maybe she was talking to someone else. Of course not.
She quickly caught up to me. "Can you help me out? I need to buy diapers for my baby and I don't get my money until Friday." This seemed fishy as there was no baby, but I held my keys in my mouth and started digging around my bag with the hand that wasn't holding a very heavy case of diet coke. I didn't say a word. She said, "my name is Pamela, it's nice to meet you." I said nothing and handed her a few dollars that I'd fished out of my wallet. She said thanks and god bless and beat it out of the parking lot.
I handled this so poorly! My instinct is that this was a brazen shakedown; once she got me to stop there was no graceful way to get out. I knew I'd have to give her money since I knew I had cash in my wallet. On the other hand, maybe her story was true! Just because aggressive panhandling in front of Albertson's isn't the first thing I'd think of if my baby needed diapers doesn't mean she wasn't in a crisis of some sort.
To be completely honest, I do wish I'd managed to get to my car without turning around (I'm having some Orpheus empathy -- it's hard not to turn around!), but I also wish that I'd acted with more kindness and true generosity instead of fear and irritation. I gave her a few dollars I won't miss, not out of the kindness of my heart but to be left alone. It was stingy and I'm sorry I didn't know the right way to navigate that interaction.
She quickly caught up to me. "Can you help me out? I need to buy diapers for my baby and I don't get my money until Friday." This seemed fishy as there was no baby, but I held my keys in my mouth and started digging around my bag with the hand that wasn't holding a very heavy case of diet coke. I didn't say a word. She said, "my name is Pamela, it's nice to meet you." I said nothing and handed her a few dollars that I'd fished out of my wallet. She said thanks and god bless and beat it out of the parking lot.
I handled this so poorly! My instinct is that this was a brazen shakedown; once she got me to stop there was no graceful way to get out. I knew I'd have to give her money since I knew I had cash in my wallet. On the other hand, maybe her story was true! Just because aggressive panhandling in front of Albertson's isn't the first thing I'd think of if my baby needed diapers doesn't mean she wasn't in a crisis of some sort.
To be completely honest, I do wish I'd managed to get to my car without turning around (I'm having some Orpheus empathy -- it's hard not to turn around!), but I also wish that I'd acted with more kindness and true generosity instead of fear and irritation. I gave her a few dollars I won't miss, not out of the kindness of my heart but to be left alone. It was stingy and I'm sorry I didn't know the right way to navigate that interaction.
Well, you made an instantaneous call, and whatever your motivation, did what your conscience tells you to do, when people appeal to you.
ReplyDeleteI used to hand out $ to panhandlers, UNLESS they were a fraction of my age and looked able-bodied. Even that is no longer a good criteria--there are plenty of folks out there now who are fit but unable to find work. There are supposedly agencies to help people like that young woman, but their funds may have all dried up, also.
Don't knock yourself for paying to get off the hook. You can't know who is really in need. If there is a next time, you can flip a coin: "Heads here's $2," "Tails, Sorry." Or just alternate, tee hee. 'I gave last time, this time no.' 50/50 is about the odds for getting it right--?
Oh, hey, I was sipping coffee and mulling over your quandary (I feel so sorry for the old dudes out on the highways~~to give or not to give, that is the question!)and had an AHA moment: Buy the lady some diapers! Oh, and keep the receipt. (Yeah, I AM that cynical.)
ReplyDeleteI like your 50/50 getting it right odds!
ReplyDeletebuying diapers would have prolonged the exchange EVEN LONGER and I just wanted to get home. As I indicated and as you acknowledge, I don't really think diapers were the issue. Money is what she wanted and the diapers were the reason she gave me to give it to her.
I'm a little touchy about it because YEARS ago a group of us got suckered into one of those "we're from out of town and our car broke down, we need $$ to get a tow, etc. etc" outside of a restaurant. Only, of course, to find them there AGAIN next time we went. I was young and it was very disillusioning! I'd rather give my money to the Food Bank. On the flip side, sometimes a few dollars or a little help can make a huge difference to someone genuinely teetering on the edge. It's a tough call. I wouldn't have minded at all if I didn't think she was scamming me. (maybe she's collecting money for acting lessons!)
I never give money to guys on the freeway.
I am one of those lovely gents who will, if I see someone that might want me to part with a few schillings, cross the street. Or grab my phone and have the most intense one-sided conversation in the history of mobiles. You shouldn't beat yourself up. That is what the rest of the world is for!
ReplyDeleteI do the same thing!! That's half of why this bugged me so much -- I failed all around! I didn't successfully ignore her (which I tried) and when that went south I was super begrudgey. (Although it seems like every time I go out of my way to avoid a panhandler or a signature gatherer they somehow magically appear right next to me. It's my anti-super power.)
ReplyDeletep.s. you are never allowed to skip Wordstock again. I missed you.
I will never miss Wordstock again! Even if they only have illustrators discussing their latest Target exclusives for the kids!
ReplyDeleteThe worst thing for me regarding stranger assault is when I spot a Greenpeace or Feed The Children person on one corner and I turn to cross the opposite way there is another one waiting there with another clipboard! I might not have a busy life but I sure as heck do not want to spend an extra 10 minutes avoiding the corner blocker lurker folk by walking all the way around another block!
I am also an avoider and try to give my $ to organizations instead. I have on occasion, like Patty suggested, bought someone an edible thing if I see them asking for money when I'm on my way into a store. But I really don't know the answer to the money giving question either. There is no way to tell who is really going to use your spare change to buy a basic necessity and who is going to buy heroin. It sucks but I figure if I give money to everyone who asks me, I won't be able to pay my own dang mortgage so I have an all or nothing policy (nothing). My one saving grace is that I normally don't carry cash so I can honestly say I don't have any to give. That helps. Or if I do have cash I still say "no, sorry" and tell myself I'm not lying because it's not "spare", I'm going to use it! One year I counted the number of times I was asked for money and donated that many dollars to a charitable organization. That helped take the edge off my avoidance guilt.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, the woman you irritably gave money to probably doesn't remember that part of the transaction at all. She probably spoke to many people who were outright rude to her and didn't give her any money!
Interesting about the scam scripts. Some immediately come to mind. Bet there are about 7 in circulation at all times. About the old dudes out on the highways--I figure they work in shifts. But even if they are career panhandlers, I can't help but feel sorry for someone in their 70's or older standing out there in the sun or the wind or the snow. The official view--read it in the Oregonian, it must be true--is that one shouldn't give to panhandlers, but to the charitable orgs. I suppose I gave hard-earned $ to the old geezer in the wheel chair (who told me bluntly he wasn't using the $ for coffee) or the youngish black woman I'd seen on the streets for months, in winter, because I can too well imagine what it would be to be out on the street in miserable weather. Giving just a little made me feel a little better. Ah, charity is such a selfish thing.
ReplyDeleteI, personally, am not bothered with the giving. I am bothered by the fact that I pretty much can't leave my house without running into someone that needs/wants what I have. I am bothered with the fact that I am expected to hand over whatever I have, especially when I am leaving a library, where if you return items on time there really is no reason to carry cash. I give when I can, and I almost always give to people that don't have a story for me, and I almost never give to people with animals.
ReplyDeleteyou guys are all so smart!
ReplyDeleteBBD, I am totally with you on the annoyance factor of not being able to get into or out of the library without having to navigate something or another. I have unreasonable hostility to Greenpeace for this very reason. Although I'd say signature gatherers and non-profit beggars are easier for me to blow off than regular free-lance independent panhandlers. (I've found the fastest way to get GP to leave me alone is to say "sure, you can talk to me about whatever, but I'm not giving you any money." I don't feel any guilt about THAT because I already give money to Sierra Club and the ACLU. not much, but they don't need to know that.)
I guess if I had to choose a group/person to give my scarce bucks to it would be the regular hobo types that are polite, but not all "god loves you". I don't care for that at all. The reason I would rather give to those folks is because no matter what they spend the money on it is being spent on them. If I give to an org it is going to administration and all of that. Actually, I am feeling pretty contrary today, so this could change at any moment. Unemployment leaves me tons of time to think. I just need to stay away from Fox TV. It really blinds me with craziness
ReplyDelete