When asked certain kinds of questions or performing certain kinds of tasks - particularly if I'm in unfamiliar territory - I often retreat to a safe answer or deed which I later detest (in my mind) for being so boring or stupid or cowardly. Part of it is because I don't want to do it wrong, which is another thing I do that I hate! (ideal me would rather do it wrong and learn something than do some half-assed, insipid version of "right.") I know that part of this conflict is just my nature - I'm mostly even tempered, I try to be fair, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or step on any toes - but I take it too far and worry about imaginary offenses, which is to my detriment. Basically, too much worry about stuff that shouldn't rate.
The most recent examples of this would be the gift I took for a white elephant exchange (so boring! but at least it's not in my house anymore, so let's count that one 50%), and tonight at trivia when we all gave subjects for next week's jeopardy style game. My topics were so broad and not even that interesting to me! What I should have said was Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Fictional Teen Detectives. I would tell you what I did write down and hand in, but my brain is currently trying to spare me the memory/mortification. I'm sure I'll remember in the middle of the night. This is the kind of thing I'd like to stop - what's done is done and is actually nothing to worry about. (my brain factory fabricates mountains from molehills all day and all night when it gets going - if you ever see puffs of smoke coming from my ears, that's probably why.)
Notice the common thread between the two examples? Both of them involve people I know and like, but who are in the more 'new friend' category. Maybe I'm trying to break it to them slowly that I'm actually bonkers? Friends of longstanding already know this. Hmmm. There's fear involved, but also diffidence, which is super lame. Some things I've put off or passed over so many times I'm not even sure what I want or think.
The bottom line is that I'd like to stop tormenting myself about it afterward -it happened, it was truly TRULY no big deal. I don't think about it twice (or notice at all!) when someone else does it. TRULY, TRULY.
Which reminds me, I may hate that thing that I do sometimes (above), but I love this song (below) - there was a period where I couldn't leave it off of a mixtape:
The most recent examples of this would be the gift I took for a white elephant exchange (so boring! but at least it's not in my house anymore, so let's count that one 50%), and tonight at trivia when we all gave subjects for next week's jeopardy style game. My topics were so broad and not even that interesting to me! What I should have said was Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Fictional Teen Detectives. I would tell you what I did write down and hand in, but my brain is currently trying to spare me the memory/mortification. I'm sure I'll remember in the middle of the night. This is the kind of thing I'd like to stop - what's done is done and is actually nothing to worry about. (my brain factory fabricates mountains from molehills all day and all night when it gets going - if you ever see puffs of smoke coming from my ears, that's probably why.)
Notice the common thread between the two examples? Both of them involve people I know and like, but who are in the more 'new friend' category. Maybe I'm trying to break it to them slowly that I'm actually bonkers? Friends of longstanding already know this. Hmmm. There's fear involved, but also diffidence, which is super lame. Some things I've put off or passed over so many times I'm not even sure what I want or think.
The bottom line is that I'd like to stop tormenting myself about it afterward -it happened, it was truly TRULY no big deal. I don't think about it twice (or notice at all!) when someone else does it. TRULY, TRULY.
Which reminds me, I may hate that thing that I do sometimes (above), but I love this song (below) - there was a period where I couldn't leave it off of a mixtape:
Oh! a) I totally get that and do the same thing, and b) what I see underneath it is you need to cut yourself some slack, about which, see a) above. Because man is that kettle black! Black, I say!
ReplyDeleteWrite fifty times: this is how I am and that's okay. I mean, obviously don't, but you know what I mean. You are not a work in progress. You are just right exactly the way you are.
>>Maybe I'm trying to break it to them slowly that I'm actually bonkers? Friends of longstanding already know this.<<
ReplyDeleteSane is overrated. Bonkers is far more interesting. At least that's what I tell myself to justify things like making my friends compete things like the Battle of Wits/Feats of Strength/Games of Chance triumverate in order to amuse me and win lame prizes!
You're so right about the slack, Maggie! I fully intend to cut myself some slack - there are things I'd like to change and things I'd like to do, but I'm going to try not to let the perfect (ideal) be the enemy of the good.
ReplyDeleteMartina - I, for one, loved the Battle of Wits/Feats of Strength/Games of Chance triumverate. And the prize wasn't lame, although the prize was almost beside the point!