a little better all the time

hello, friends.  I missed a couple days there, which I hope to make up. I was having some major holiday /social anxiety but now I'm feeling better.

Translation: my work holiday party was tonight and I made it!! I don't know why it cost me so many brain cycles and worry units - it's a big room full of people I really like a lot, so much good food, etc. But anxiety does not respond to rational commands! Once I realized this basic fact of life it was easier for me to accept, which bizarrely made my anxiety recede somewhat. (not entirely, but for the most part.)

In short: it can be rough out there, people. Be as kind to yourself as you are to anyone else.

out of season

I waited too long to get started on today's post, so here's a picture I took in the summer. (well, A summer, not this summer.) It was in the teeeeny tiny town in Illinois where my uncle lives when he's not living in India. It's literally in the middle of a corn (field? grove? acres? expanse? I don't know what the official term is. But thinking about it, it must be field, right?)

ANYWAY. This was from the back yard and I like the gold of the light against the black of the shadows and the dark blue of the sky.

QUESTION

If you celebrate Christmas, are you feeling it yet? I'm having a hard time drumming up any holiday spirit, but then I think "Jen, it's only December 3rd. Chill out." That's the thought I'm going to sleep on tonight.

what comes to mind

•It's 11:59 PM  and raining and this picture doesn't have anything to do with anything, other than I made a quick stop to flickr before I opened up the blogger page, noticed that this only had 2 views and thought "goddammit, that's a pretty flower" so here it is.

•I just set my itunes on random and it's playing My Mathematical Mind by Spoon. I love this record and  haven't listened to it in a long time. first video is a live version - man, Britt Daniel has such a great rock music voice. Second video is the album version, but with footage from old educational films. Pretty rad.







 • I'm finally feeling better enough to say I feel better. I'm like 92% there, which is good. This infection bullshit is some BULLSHIT. For a while there it felt like I was just putting out one fire after another but now everything feels like it's moving from the core to the surface on its way out. Although I do still have two perfectly round white spots on my left tonsil which anger me. They don't hurt, but they're lurking around like "aw yeah, we gots some more infectionsssss for you." Ha ha! I am going to drink a lot of water and go to bed shortly. Take THAT you little assholes.

• Halloween! I love it, but it stresses me out. Mostly because I think that I should plan a perfect costume and make myself go out and show it off, but I don't because I guess I don't really want to? I don't know.   In my mind Halloween should be one of the fun, slapdash shambley holidays - more costumes made out of tinfoil or cheesecloth and fewer 'sexy cookie monster' costumes. But seriously - why do I care what other people or doing, or that stores have had Halloween stuff up since Labor Day?! Ugh.  Probably because I have invented some dumb reason! (inventing some dumb reason is now my brain's originally part time but now shading into full time job. You need some dumb reason for something, just ask me and I will hook you up.)

•I returned an internet bought raincoat to the store today.  Store clerk asked if there was something wrong with it, I said "the color" (an unfortunate orange.) The clerk agreed, saying "it is rather barfy." Thank you for the radical honesty and the refund!

•I AM SO TIRED OF THIS ELECTION CYCLE. I can't even imagine how insane it is in a swing state.

wintertime

How is your mid-late December going? I've reached the point where I am longing for January, which means I need a MENTAL CORRECTION. (not like brain jail, more like a 'check yourself before you wreck yourself' intervention.) Let's say more of a recalibration than a correction - it sounds nicer, but more mechanical. hmmm...

Anyway! I like this Christmas lights picture. They look like little neon skiffs sailing to the north pole.


More lights - this time with needlework.

I usually think of January 1 new year's resolutions as a self-defeating high-pressure cop out. If you want to make the change (whatever it may be) why not start now? Except this year I find myself feeling a lot of pressure to get this or that holiday thing done, and that I can either be thinking about how I have to do these things, or I can be doing these things, but I sure as shit shouldn't be thinking about how I want to take more photographs in the new year, let alone be taking more photographs RIGHT NOW. But this is bullshit!  I could get all this holiday stuff (most of which is FUN) done in no time.  It's a complicated time of year. I'm scraping the barrel of things to feel guilty about.



Question: Guess What?
Answer: KITTEN!!!!!!!! (still nameless because why rush these things.)

most kitten photos are blurry because he does not like standing still. He idolizes Busby. It's so funny to watch as Busby strolls by and the kitten gets all excited but shy, like Busby is his hero but also a famous celebrity that he probably shouldn't bother but then he throws himself in Busby's path because he can't stop himself. Busby has been very good with the kitten and I think it will all work out once they've had more time to know each other and once the baby is a little bigger.



A KITTEN'S THOUGHTS: I will eat your camera strap! And climb to your shoulder so I can climb on the bookcase so I can stand at the top and mew plaintively.

I found out that I will not be going forward in the latest recruitment at work. This is what I expected when I applied, but there's always that little reservoir of hope. BUMMER, except I found out literally five minutes before going to the Humane Society, after which I was like "Who cares?! KITTEN!!"  This is why internet cats are so popular - kittens can fix a lot of things.  And weirdly I made it through further (this is for the job classification above the one I have now) and the kiss off letter was much nicer than the last.  So... progress?

CAVEAT: I am covered in tiny scratches; I look like I've been crawling through delicate barbed wire. However, it is totally worth it.