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Monday, July 11, 2005
When did I turn into such a photo-phobe? I just found a bunch of photo albums from the past, and while I would never say posing for pictures was my most favorite activity, I didn't run from every camera pointed in my direction like I have found myself doing recently. And, as everyone knows, when you try to AVOID photos... well, when you get caught, those are never very good and it just reinforces the whole photo avoidance deal. So stupid! Like most of my neuroses, it is just textbook lame. In fact, I bet in the Psychology 101 textbook next to LAME there is a really awkward picture of me where I look slightly bilious and a little crazy around the eyes.

I was discussing this with my sister the other day, and I realized that it is all part of some perverse negative self-image I have. Intellectually, I know that I do not cause humans to recoil with the hideousness of my visage, yet this is the message my lizard-brain sends to the rest of me. Likewise looking for a job (why would anyone hire such an obvious incompetent?), meeting new people (you are obviously insane, they are happier without you), etc. etc. Where is that switch? I need to find it and yank the wires from the wall. In an effort to re-wire my brain, I have been finding pictures of myself and posting them for friends and family on flickr. It's kind of soothing, in a way. Plus it is reminding me what awesome friends I have been lucky enough to make in my life thus far! Even when they made me wear really hideous bridesmaid dresses. (my family, it should go without saying, is awesome)

Lest anyone think I am getting all birthday "what could have been" maudlin, let me reassure you. I am having birthday State of Jen thoughts -this is normal. The good news is I don't think I'm entirely a lost cause - I just have a lot of stuff to do, (including getting a new driver's license photo! haircut-ahoy!) but it is doable. A challenge, but possible!
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